The day I lost a baby

Two years ago the Officer and I lost our third baby. I don't usually talk too much about it, but I want other women going through this to know they are not alone. I have written out the birth stories of my three daughters, and this other child of mine deserves for his (or her?) story to be told.

When Bug was 10 months old we found out we were pregnant and would be having our third child in under 3 years. The newest baby was due to arrive in September 2013. I must admit I was a little nervous. I had been nervous when I first found out about both Belle and Bug's pregnancies too. Having 2 babies before your 2nd anniversary is a little nerve-wracking. And here I was again, nervous about having another baby so close, and mostly nervous because what would people think about our constantly growing family. Then just like all of my other pregnancies that initial nervousness grew into excitement. I hadn't met a baby yet that I didn't think was just this greatest thing ever, and I knew this baby was no different. So our excitement for this little unborn baby quickly grew, and the Officer and I looked forward to sharing the news with both our families at the girls' upcoming Dr. Seuss birthday party.

The day we finally laid eyes on Bug 

Then when I was only 8 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. I called my OBGYN, and he scheduled me to come in for an ultrasound the next day. So on January 31 my kind mother-in-law came to watch Belle and Bug, and the Officer and I went to an ultrasound that I knew was not going to go well. I spent the whole day preparing myself for the news that I had lost my baby, but of course I clung to hope.

The ultrasound picture came up and the tiny baby was not moving. The Officer gripped my hand and my tears fell as the ultrasound tech told us that they couldn't find a heartbeat and "the fetus" was measuring smaller than "it" should. I cried even harder. The ultrasound tech was trying to be compassionate, but her words stung, like she was denying the human life that I had just lost. The Officer just hugged me and held my hand as he somehow walked me to the car and got me home. As always, that man was my rock, and he was the strength that I just couldn't find that afternoon.

Lettie's big ultrasound

My MIL watched the girls that evening and the Officer and I went out on an amazing dinner date. We talked about the little baby that only the two of us had ever known, we talked about how blessed we were with our two babies on Earth, and as always we laughed. In the car on the way home I cried some more. That night we named our third child Michael Joseph, after two great Saints that we wanted protecting our family. We have prayed for sweet Michael Joseph every single day since.

The next day I saw my OBGYN, which really just became a counseling session. He prayed with me and for me and for Michael Joseph. Instead of pretending I had lost some nonliving thing he acknowledged that we had lost a child. We talked about all of the guilt I was feeling.... I felt guilty because I had not been excited about this baby at first, I felt guilty because at some moment this baby died and what was I doing at that exact moment? Then eventually I would feel guilty because I wasn't feeling sad anymore.

39 weeks pregnant with Lettie

I still have some moments of sadness when I think about our baby in Heaven, but mostly there is just joy now. Joy in the wonderful life I have, and the 3 miracles I have been blessed with on Earth. Joy in the hope that someday I will enter Heaven and meet the child I never got to know. There was so much joy (and nausea) in my pregnancy with Lettie, because I had experienced how precious and fragile life is.

The thing that really helped me "move on" was the support around me. My husband is incredible, and our families and friends immediately provided help and prayers. We had people who made us dinner, people who sent flowers, a memorial stone sent to us, words of encouragement, and of course more prayers than we could ever know. We were surrounded by people who valued the life of our unborn baby. If you ever know a couple suffering a miscarriage support them and pray for them.  Many of our friends had suffered miscarriages themselves and knew exactly what we were going through. Hopefully I can provide the same support and love to other women who suffer a miscarriage.

My sweet Michael Joseph, we love you and miss you. God is good all the time.